The sermon today was about how trials make our faith stronger. all I have to say to that is-- when is it enough? I'm not sure my faith is going to make it through this.
I cry every time I turn around
swear words frequently enter my head (and are edited out)
I find myself unable to put my finger on the precise problem
but right now it feels like everything
and then something like that makes me feel so shameful becuase my clients deal with things that are 100 times worse. and I feel shame because I'm not thankful for the things I do have (side note: I am thankful and very aware of the blessings of my life... the sadness is just overwhelming)
And when I'm shameful I also become lazy: I don't eat well, I don't cook much, I don't exercise, I don't want to hang out with friends, I add on the shame
and then I put on my happy face and go to work... pretend everything is ok
and think how much I need antidepressants- and feel shame again for not being a good therapist. this is seriously messed up.
I miss my dog the most.
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